Chapter 5 of 9

Men and Marriage

The husband's Christ-patterned, self-giving love.

Read together first Ephesians 5:25–33. Read it aloud before going on. Last lesson we heard Paul address wives in three verses. In these nine verses he turns to husbands and spends roughly three times as long. Notice as you read how often he reaches for Christ.

Here is a puzzle worth pondering. After addressing wives, Paul spends triple the amount of time on husbands. Why? Some Christian women will tell you the answer is obvious: men simply need more instruction. The Van Dixhoorns suspect a deeper reason too. When Paul switched sides in his analogy, from wives and the church to husbands and Christ, he could not help but preach the gospel. The measure of love he is reaching for is so vast that the teaching itself becomes good news.

As one unmarried church father put it to his congregation long ago: to grasp the measure of Christian submission in marriage we must "hear also the measure of love." That measure is Jesus.

As we have been loved

Staggeringly, the love held up for husbands is the love Jesus has shown his church.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)

We know this love is astonishing because the Bible is clear about what the love of Christ looks like. The Van Dixhoorns gather it into four words.

The four faces of Christ's love

Deep. The Son of God gave himself up; he clung to no honor or privilege for himself.
Sacrificial. He offered his life for hers; he endured shame and scorn and mockery for another.
Purposeful. He wanted a splendid bride, an elect body of his own choosing, and he works toward her perfection.
Faithful. His bride needed to be sanctified and cleansed. He did not come to one who was beautiful; he came to one who needed to become beautiful, and he stays with her throughout.

Then, in Ephesians 5:28, we are told that husbands are to love their wives "in the same way." What a calling. Husbands are to love their wives in a Christlike way, and to promote the purposes of Christ in a Christlike fashion, for the good of their wives. The love of Christ for his bride is the model disposition, the orientation that should inform all of a husband's thoughts, words, and actions.

At their most unimaginative moments, husbands try to help their wives become Christ's perfected bride by identifying their wives' faults with clinical precision. The Van Dixhoorns offer better diagnostic questions for a husband who wants to love well:

Six questions for a husband

Are you loving her with all that you are and all that you have, deeply, sacrificially, purposefully, faithfully?
Are you praying for her, and studying her so you can pray for her better?
What is the aim of your prayers? Are they really for her, or for you?
Are you leading devotions that profit her? Are you studying Scripture and doctrine so what you say is thoughtful and useful?
Does she know that you love her? Or does every moment with you feel like a teaching moment for her?
Do you make sure she has time to study God's word herself, or with friends?

To pray and plan these things, a husband must be willing to let go of many things he holds dear. That is how Christ loved the church.

A sanctified wife

One aim of this love is the wife's growth in holiness. Husbands, like Christ, are to care about sanctification. The Old Testament calls God's people his bride, and Israel was often an unfaithful spouse. The fact that a spouse may need help, may need change, may need to repent is never a reason to stop loving. It is the reason for a husband to give his whole self to her.

Too often, when a wife sins, a husband reaches for a monologue, a shake of the head, a glare, an angry word. Emily has informed Chad that this is less of a blessing than he thinks. Christ did not demand that his church make herself beautiful. He worked to make her beautiful. That is how he loved his bride.

...that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
Ephesians 5:26–27 (ESV)

Husbands cannot sanctify their wives; only Christ can. But a husband can be a tool in Christ's workshop as Christ fashions his wife, and a husband can direct her to God's own tools: his word, the washing of water, the means of grace. Chad tries to protect four things in Emily's life to this end: regular Bible study, exercise, sufficient sleep, and an understanding husband. The last one, he admits, is the wild card. It took him years to learn those four ingredients. What might they be in your marriage?

As we love ourselves

Because we have a hard time processing something so divine, Scripture supplies a second analogy, very human. Husbands are to love their wives as they love their own bodies, which they tend to be fairly good at (often, the Van Dixhoorns note, with a gadget or book in one hand and a beverage in the other).

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.
Ephesians 5:28–29 (ESV)

What do you do when your body is hurting? You favor it. You nurse it. You do not cut off an injured leg. John Chrysostom preached exactly this in Antioch centuries ago: we nurture the defective, the lame, the ailing parts of our bodies. So a husband should do nothing less for his wife. When something is broken in her, he should not rush to a diagnosis and a cure, playing the clever detective sizing up the situation. He should seek understanding, and as God gives it, help her understand her own heart.

And if submission is a problem in the home, the answer is not found in crowding her. Give your spouse room to get there. Allow space for her to fail and learn along the way. This is what you would want for yourself. This is how you love yourself, and you are thankful that the Lord is patient with you as you grow. In giving himself up for us, Jesus Christ was simply taking care of his own body. That is how a husband is to view his wife.

The mystery and the majesty

Paul keeps drifting between the relationship of husband and wife and the relationship of Savior and believers. He cannot help it, because ultimately it is not the husband's duty that he finds so profound. The mystery is that Christian marriage is given the honor of illustrating the gospel itself.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:31–32 (ESV)

What guilty person, separated from God, could ever have hoped that the Son of God would become a human being for our sake? What offender, awaiting judgment, could have dreamed that another would shed his blood in his place? The mystery is that somehow God loves us and sent his Son for us. And in that church are losers and failures of all sorts, including husbands.

Perhaps you are a husband whose sin is now before you. There are homes where there has been far too little love, men who one day wake to see they have shown their wives impatience and harshness when they should have held them. Thank God there is such a thing as redeeming love, and it is not too late to learn it.

How a husband repents

Certainly repent. Certainly ask forgiveness, humbly. But do not just say you are sorry. Say what you have done. Use Scripture's labels instead of the culture's soft ones. Not "Sorry, I was grouchy," but "Please forgive me, I was selfish and impatient." Say it in detail. Say what you should have done instead, admit the damage, and say what you resolve to do by God's grace. If you sinned in front of others, repent in front of them, especially the children. And be patient in awaiting forgiveness; you are not saying words in order to get something back.

Love and respect

Paul closes with two summary statements that knit the whole chapter together.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)

If a husband must love his wife, she should seek to make that task joyful and easy. If a wife must respect her husband, he should seek to be worthy of that respect. Mutual love and mutual respect, each partner gladly shouldering their own half, is the secret to a happy marriage. Would it not be wonderful if Christian couples did not keep this secret to themselves but announced it in the way they lived?

Remember, though, that each of us is marrying a sinner, not a savior. The reality of the gospel will always be the best model for marriage, but your marriage may often fail to be a good model of the gospel. You will face moments, perhaps seasons, when affection and respect are not what they should be. So keep before you the love Christ has for his church. He did not pursue those who were always warm and kind; he followed those who turned their backs on him. He came to save sinners, and that is what we are, even in marriage. Perhaps especially in marriage.

Check your understanding

Why does Paul spend roughly three times as long addressing husbands as wives in Ephesians 5?

Because wives already understand marriage instinctively.
Because the love of Christ he must describe is vast.
Because husbands are spiritually inferior to wives.

The deeper reason is that when Paul reaches for an analogy of a husband's love, he lands on Christ's love for the church, and that love is so great the teaching itself becomes the gospel.

Which set of words does the chapter use to describe the love of Christ for his church?

Warm, sentimental, romantic, and spontaneous.
Patient, cautious, balanced, and reasonable.
Deep, sacrificial, purposeful, and faithful.

Christ's love is deep (he gave himself up), sacrificial (he endured the cross), purposeful (he wants a splendid bride), and faithful (he stays through her cleansing).

When a husband repents of sin against his wife, the chapter says he should:

Name the sin in Scripture's labels, in detail.
Offer a brief, general apology and move on.
Wait for her to forgive him before explaining.

Use Scripture's labels ("I was selfish and impatient"), not the culture's soft ones ("I was grouchy"). Say what you did, what you should have done, and what you resolve to do now.

What does the chapter call "the mystery" of Ephesians 5:32?

That husbands can perfectly understand their wives.
That marriage is given the honor of illustrating the gospel.
That love and respect are impossible to balance.

The profound mystery is that Christian marriage is allowed to picture Christ and the church. Your small marriage illustrates the gospel itself.

For the two of you to work through

Take these one at a time, slowly. There are no right answers to write down; the value is in the conversation. Wife, your job here is mostly to speak honestly; husband, your job is mostly to listen.

Four faces of love. Read the four words aloud: deep, sacrificial, purposeful, faithful. Which one is your marriage strongest in right now? Which one is thinnest? Wife, tell him specifically what the thinnest one would look like if it grew.
The six questions. Husband, take the six diagnostic questions one at a time and answer one of them honestly out loud. (You pick which one.) Do not defend yourself; just tell the truth.
Sanctifying tools. Chad names four things he tries to protect in Emily's life: Bible study, exercise, sleep, and an understanding husband. What are the equivalent four (or three, or two) in your wife's life right now? Is she getting them? Whose job is each one?
The injured leg. Chrysostom's picture: when your body hurts, you favor it, you nurse it, you do not cut it off. Where is your wife "injured" right now, tired, afraid, discouraged, spent? What would it look like this week for you to favor and nurse that part instead of diagnosing it?
Repentance in Scripture's labels. Husband, is there a sin against your wife, recent or old, that you have only ever named with the culture's soft labels? Speak it now in Scripture's labels, in detail, and ask her forgiveness.

For your mentor session

Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking.

On the measure of love The lesson holds a husband's love to the measure of Christ's love for the church: deep, sacrificial, purposeful, faithful. Tell the mentor which of those four your wife would say is most missing in your home right now, and do not argue with her answer. What one concrete sacrifice could you make this month to begin to grow it? Let the mentor press you to name something specific enough to be embarrassing to fail at.
On repentance and the mystery The chapter ties repentance to the mystery: Christ came for sinners, and marriage is allowed to picture that gospel. Bring the mentor one sin against your spouse that you have been naming with soft labels ("grouchy," "stressed") and re-name it in Scripture's labels. Then, with the mentor, trace how Christ's faithfulness to an unfaithful bride gives you both courage to repent and to forgive this week.

One practice for this week

Memorize Ephesians 5:25 together: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Then husband, take on the four-protector project: name the four things you will actively protect in your wife's life this week (for Chad it was Bible study, exercise, sleep, and being an understanding husband), and report to her each night on how you did.

A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Your mentor can help you trace it further into Scripture and into your own story.