Gospel-Shaped Marriage › Lesson 4
Chapter 4 of 9Women and Marriage
The wife's glad submission, as the church is oriented to Christ.
In Lesson 3 we heard what is true of every Christian: we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. That mutual submission does not swallow up particular callings. Paul goes on to explain how it works itself out distinctly in a wife and in a husband. This lesson takes the wife's half. The next takes the husband's. Together they form the normal, beautiful baseline of a Christian home.
Paul politely puts ladies first. The command to wives comes in verse 22, is repeated in verse 24, and is grounded in verse 23. The repetition tells us we had better understand what submission means.
Submission is respect that leads to serving
We learned the working definition last lesson: submission is respect that leads to serving. In marriage it is also another face of love, because to submit is to give yourself up for someone. To submit is to make room for the other and his ideas, to listen and to follow, to put someone else first, to do what he asks even when it is hard.
Paul's point is that in a properly ordered home, the family does have a leader. There is mutual submission in a marriage, and a wife is to submit to and respect her husband. Something unique is going on, and Paul names it with a comparison that ought to take our breath away.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:22–24 (ESV)
Submission is an orientation, not a single act
Notice the comparison. A wife submits to her husband as the church submits to Christ. She does not submit to him as if he had the wisdom and righteousness of Christ, nor to the same extent she submits to Christ. She has that disposition toward him: a respectful perspective, a submissive orientation toward all his wise and righteous intentions. Submission is not one task she does. It is the angle from which she does everything.
So each wife is to know her own husband, to learn his preferences, his joys, and his weaknesses; to be willing to listen and support him; to celebrate his strengths and be gracious about his failings. She is to be radically committed to respecting him and following his lead. And crucially, she does not need to agree that his way is best in order to follow it. If she had to agree, the command would be Agree with your husband. It is not. It is Submit to him.
This is not the artificial "yes, dear" of a bygone era. It is a dignified, humble, loving gift of self to one's husband. And it is a gift that honors two at once. Emily Van Dixhoorn says it is like finding a bargain on Saturday morning: in giving herself to her husband, she gives honor to two for the price of one, because in submitting to him she is submitting to the Lord who gave her that husband (John Calvin makes the same point: "wives cannot obey Christ without yielding obedience to their husbands").
Heads, not tails
The picture underneath all of this is headship. Scripture says the husband is the head of the wife in the way that Christ is the head of the church. It would be easy to hear that and imagine the wife becoming the tail, some vestige of the important person she once was. Paul will have none of it. She is the body, and the body is essential.
And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.
Ephesians 1:22–23 (ESV)
The church is "the fullness of him who fills all in all." John Calvin captured the shock of it: it is as if a husband should say, "I seem to be only half a man when my wife is not with me." A head without a body is a horror; Christ without his church is, in Matthew Henry's phrasing, a king without a kingdom, a head without a body, a mediator without a people. The wife is no leftover. She is the body, the fullness.
And the model for this headship is Christ himself. Every Christian instinctively sees gentleness, compassion, wisdom, and love in him. We see a life of giving. As John Stott put it, a Christian wife is designed to submit to a lover, not an ogre. That is the plan.
"In everything"
Paul says wives are to submit "in everything" to their husbands. That phrase is not the same as saying all women submit to all men; it is a particular call to a particular wife about her own husband. And it runs both ways.
Although Paul calls a wife to submit in every area, a wise husband should learn, quickly, how seldom he should ask for submission in every area. If submitting is her responsibility, his calling is to make it as easy for her as possible. He should save direct appeals to authority for only the most important matters. In the Van Dixhoorns' home, the subject comes up directly perhaps once a year, maybe once every few years. Most decisions are made together without anyone reaching for the language of headship at all.
Emily illustrates the cost of getting this wrong with a decorating story. Furnishing their first home, she picked out lovely blue and white patterns. Chad declared the colors depressing and made a case for red and green. So Emily bought red and green curtains, and then, to please a husband who liked things to match, red and green china, tables, chairs, pillows, and accessories. About a year later, visiting friends, Chad commented on their beautifully appointed home. The chairs were blue. So was the china. So was the couch. She did not make a scene. But the lesson landed: a husband who is eager to be followed needs to be far more careful about where he asks her to go.
Three challenges to submission
The Van Dixhoorns are honest that submission is not always simple. They name three challenges Christian wives commonly face. It is worth holding all three together, because they pull in opposite directions.
1. "Who does this anymore?"
Our culture offers a Christian wife little support for submission; it focuses only on what a submissive wife cannot do. But why should we expect Christian marriage to sit comfortably with current norms? Nothing about the incarnation, resurrection, or return of Jesus is ordinary. Paul's teaching is no different: he says not a word to wives about rights, only about responsibility. Four good answers can be given to the skeptic: (1) mutual submission in verse 21 frames the whole discussion; (2) Martin Luther's distinction between equal persons and different roles guards the wife's dignity; (3) headship applies to this one relationship, not to women in general; and (4) Paul elsewhere tells wives to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). A sad marriage indeed would have mutual submission without mutual love.
2. "It's too fuzzy!"
Submission can be hard to see in a given situation, because what it looks like varies from home to home. Scripture does not value cookie-cutter Christians. But in every Christian marriage the intention will be the same: she is oriented toward her husband's happiness and his every good endeavor. William Gouge noted that, given time and love, most of this happens instinctively. As a marriage matures, it becomes more and more obvious where to go for lunch, how much to give, and when to stay up late together. A Christian wife learns over time what pleases her husband, just as she learns over time what pleases the Lord.
3. "It's too easy!" (and, at other times, "It's too hard!")
Emily admits a surprise: submission can be convenient. When she is indecisive or wants to avoid responsibility, "I don't know; you decide!" feels spiritual. But complacent deference can stunt her growth. Many decisions, indeed most, are to be made under a husband's headship, but by a wife who is using her head. Wise husbands ask their wives' judgment and decide with their full concurrence.
At the other extreme, submission can feel impossibly hard, especially when a wife is equal or superior to her husband in intellect, judgment, or experience. The chapter offers three comforts. First, a wife's task is not tougher than her husband's; the next lesson will show why. Second, the Lord uses even a foolish husband's unwise (but not sinful) choices to make a family more like Christ. Third, where a husband is genuinely dangerous, submission cannot mean putting oneself or one's children in harm's way.
If your marriage is unsafe
Physical and verbal abuse is Satan's plan for a marriage, not God's. Women and children should try to flee such situations, and pastors and elders should help them out of, and keep them out of, such homes. Submitting in a safe home during a sober moment is one thing; enduring danger is another. If this is your situation, your mentor and your pastor need to know. This lesson's "submit in everything" is written for a marriage that is basically safe and is being shaped by grace.
The helper who is not demeaned
One last encouragement from the chapter. In a perfect world Eve was created as Adam's helper, and the role of helper, rather than leader, is not in itself demeaning. God himself condescends to call himself our helper, and he is not demeaned when he does. Jesus explained that he came to serve, and not to be served. The apostle Paul calls us to comfort others with the comfort we have received.
So a wife's calling is not measured by what our culture says she cannot do. Consider Elizabeth Gouge, William's wife. She ran a household that exercised large-scale hospitality every Sunday. She managed the family finances and held a quarterly allowance she could spend without consulting her husband, most of it given to neighbors. She led family devotions daily and led the children and servants in their own. She attended midweek Bible lectures, built a theological library, studied to answer questions put to her, and wrote prayers and spiritual guidebooks for others. None of that is inconsistent with submitting to her husband. Most of it flowed from it.
The chapter closes where it began: with Christ. Keep your eye on what pleases him, and submission to such a Savior sweetens and enriches every other responsibility, including this one.
Check your understanding
According to Ephesians 5:22-24, what comparison does Paul use to describe a wife's submission to her husband?
The governing comparison is the church and Christ. A wife has a submissive orientation toward her husband's wise and righteous intentions, as the church is oriented toward Christ.
The chapter insists that submission is best understood as:
Submission is the angle from which a wife does everything, not one task among many. It is a perspective that characterizes how she lives.
What does the lesson say a wife must do in order to submit, even when she is not convinced her husband's way is best?
If agreement were required, the command would be "agree." It is "submit." Following a husband's lead does not require being certain he is right, only that he is not asking for sin.
How does the chapter apply Paul's call to submit "in everything" to the husband's conduct?
A wise husband learns quickly how seldom he should ask for submission in every area. Direct appeals to headship are saved for the most important matters; most decisions are made together.
For the two of you to work through
Take these one at a time, slowly. There are no right answers to write down; the value is in the conversation. Husband, your job here is mostly to listen.
- Orientation, not act. The lesson says submission is an orientation, not a single act. Wife, describe what that orientation feels like at its best in your marriage. Husband, describe what you see when she is giving it. Do not move on without both of you speaking.
- Agree versus submit. Name one area (a decision about money, time, family, the home) where the two of you genuinely disagree. Practice the difference between agreeing and submitting: what would it look like for her to follow his lead here without having to pretend she agrees?
- For the husband. The Van Dixhoorns warn that a husband should rarely appeal to his authority directly. Where have you been too quick to do that, or too slow to ask for her wisdom before deciding? Confess it specifically.
- The three challenges. Of the three ("who does this anymore," "it's too fuzzy," "it's too easy/hard"), which one is the live temptation for your marriage right now? What would help: more cultural courage, more conversation, or more engaged responsibility?
- The bargain. Emily pictures submission as "honor two for the price of one," because in respecting her husband she respects the Lord who gave him. Where in the past week did you see this double honor at work? Where did you miss the chance?
For your mentor session
Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking.
- On the orientation The lesson's main claim is that submission is a disposition, a respectful orientation toward the husband's good and lead, not a single act. Ask the wife to describe, concretely, what that orientation looks like in your home on an ordinary Tuesday, and ask the husband to describe what he does that either greases the wheels of that orientation or grinds against it. Let the mentor press the husband toward one specific way he will make her calling easier this week.
- On the model The chapter measures a wife's calling by Christ and the church, and reminds us that a wife is designed to submit to a lover, not an ogre. Tell the mentor honestly which picture of headship the husband most resembles at home right now: the lover who gives himself, or something closer to an ogre who stands on rights. What one gospel-shaped change would move him toward the lover this month?
One practice for this week
Memorize Ephesians 5:24 together: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." Then take the study lead: each morning, the husband asks the wife one real question about her day before telling her about his, and listens to the whole answer. A husband who wants to be followed well must learn to lead by listening.
A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Your mentor can help you trace it further into Scripture and into your own story.