Gospel-Shaped Marriage › Lesson 3
Chapter 3 of 9Grace in Marriage
The mutual submission that frames everything else, and the key that unlocks it.
One of the Bible's best-known teachers on marriage never married. The apostle Paul wrote as a single man, and the Van Dixhoorns draw hope from that fact: you do not need decades of experience to have real insight into marriage. You need to understand the gospel. If you grasp the gospel, you have the key to every relationship, including this one.
Ephesians 5 is where Paul turns that key. And before he says a single word to a wife or a husband, he says one thing to everyone. That one thing is the doorway this whole lesson walks through.
The verse that frames everything
Picture the apostle listing the fruit of a Spirit-filled life. He mentions worship. He mentions thanksgiving. And then, as the very last item, he adds this:
...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21 (ESV)
That single sentence is the hinge on which the rest of the chapter turns. The Van Dixhoorns want us to feel its weight. Mutual submission is not an optional extra for unusually spiritual people or those with peaceful family backgrounds. It is part of the standard package of the Christian life, as normal as worship and thankfulness.
The word itself is loaded. Some hear submission and remember a happy, well-ordered home. Others bristle, because under the banner of submission they have seen bullies belittle and abuse women and children. The Van Dixhoorns are honest about that history. But they are also clear: we cannot adopt or reject the idea of submission on the basis of past experience, ours or anyone else's. We adopt it or reject it on the basis of whether God requires it. And he does.
What mutual submission is
On the most practical level, submitting is respecting that leads to serving. A Christian marriage is to be marked by a kind of quiet competition to put the other person first: a "you first" attitude, a "please let me get that for you" reflex. It is rooted not in chauvinism but in creation: we get it from our Maker, who always calls us to what is for our flourishing.
The thoughtful marriage: knowing each other
If we are going to submit to one another, we need to know one another. The most responsive servants are the most attentive ones, the kind who notice what you need before you ask. In marriage, that means a lifelong commitment to studying your spouse: how she thinks, what he loves, her likes, his needs. In submitting to one another we are loving one another by studying one another.
Chad Van Dixhoorn offers a small, painful story to make the point. About eleven years into their marriage, he poured Emily some orange juice with breakfast and, as usual, asked whether she would like any ice in her glass. She looked at him sweetly and asked how long they had been married. Then she asked whether he had asked her that before. He had, almost every morning for a decade. Then she asked, with slightly less sweetness, whether she had ever, to his knowledge, said yes. She had not.
The lesson behind what they now call the Early Morning Orange Juice Incident is not really about memory. It is about attentiveness to Ephesians 5:21. When we take mutual submission seriously, we give our time, our memory, and our energy to serving one another. This is why Christian couples ask each morning how they can pray for each other, and why they ask at the end of the day, "How was your day?" and actually listen to the answer. It is not to discover a to-do list. It is part of the lifelong process of knowing each other.
Even the Bible's older language for marital intimacy points this way. Newer translations speak of husbands and wives "having sex." Older translations speak of them "knowing" each other, which faithfully reflects the Hebrew. Knowing a spouse in order to serve a spouse, in the intimate moments and the mundane ones, is one of the richest gifts a marriage can give.
The gracious marriage: knowing Scripture
Honoring Ephesians 5:21 means knowing a spouse. Even more, it means knowing Scripture. Here the Van Dixhoorns recover an insight from the Puritan William Gouge that becomes the guiding principle for the rest of this course. Have you ever wondered why Paul, in Ephesians 5, tells a wife how a husband should behave, and a husband how a wife should behave? Why does the same Bible speak to all of us about everyone else's duties, and not just our own?
One answer is that the Bible is one book for everyone; we all get to overhear instruction meant for others. Another answer, the one our fallen hearts reach for first, is that we are told the other person's duties so we can police them: a husband reads verse 22 to instruct his wife, a wife reads verse 25 for return ammunition, parents hammer Ephesians 6 onto their children when they are most angry. As you may have learned the hard way, this is not especially effective.
Gouge saw something better. We are told one another's duties so that we can make those duties a joy.
The Gouge principle
If she must respect him, he should try to be respectable. If he must love her, she should try to be lovable. If wives are to submit, husbands should stand on their rights as seldom as possible, lest they wear those rights out. Scripture tells you your spouse's duty so that you can make that duty pleasant, not so you can turn it into an improvement guide. A marriage is gracious when each spouse studies the other's duty in order to make it a joy.
This is wonderfully practical. While writing this book, Chad sinned against Emily. Among other things, this thought came to him: it would be far easier for her to respect him if he repented. And that began a turn in the right direction. That is the Gouge principle at work, and it will return in every chapter that follows.
What makes a marriage gracious?
The subtitle of the Van Dixhoorns' book is Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints. So what actually makes a marriage gracious? The thread that stitches this passage together, they say, is Jesus Christ himself, in three roles.
The price, the pattern, the power
- The price the Savior paid. He did not give himself to those who had already given themselves. He came for selfish sinners, people who stand on their rights while talking about other people's duties. The price he paid covers our sins in marriage too.
- The pattern the Savior offers. Jesus not only acted for us, he acted as an example to us. In the coming chapters Paul and Peter will unfold that pattern in detail. A gracious marriage follows it.
- The power the Savior provides. A blueprint is no use if we cannot build with it. But Christ unites us to himself; with him we are raised to new life, and that includes new power for marriage.
A marriage is gracious, then, when we reverence Christ in it: when we see the price he paid, follow the pattern he set, and live by the power he gives.
That is the soil out of which the rest of this course grows. In Lessons 4 and 5 we will hear what Paul says specifically to wives and to husbands. But none of it will land right unless Ephesians 5:21 lands first. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. It is the doorway to a gracious marriage, and it is open to both of you, today.
Check your understanding
What does Ephesians 5:21 establish before Paul says anything to wives or husbands specifically?
Verse 21, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ," is the shared, baseline Christian posture that frames every household relationship that follows.
According to the chapter, on the most practical level, what does "submitting" mean?
Submitting is respecting that leads to serving. It is a quiet competition to put the other person first, rooted in creation, not chauvinism.
What is the "Gouge principle" recovered by the Van Dixhoorns?
William Gouge saw that Scripture tells us each other's duties so we can make those duties pleasant for our spouse, never as an improvement guide for them.
The chapter says a marriage becomes gracious through three things Christ provides. Which list is correct?
A gracious marriage reverences Christ: trusting his price, following his pattern, and living by the new power he provides through union with him.
For the two of you to work through
Take these one at a time, slowly. There are no right answers to write down; the value is in the conversation.
- Your reaction to the word. Read Ephesians 5:21 aloud. When each of you hears the word submission, what is your first instinct, and where does it come from? Name a memory or an example that shaped your reaction, for good or ill.
- The EMOJI hunt. The Van Dixhoorns' orange-juice story is funny because it is ordinary. What is one small, repeated way each of you is not paying attention to the other? Be specific and kind; this is not an accusation round.
- The Gouge principle, tested. Pick one duty Scripture lays on your spouse (respect, love, and so on). Ask yourself, not your spouse: what would it look like this week for you to make that duty a joy for them?
- Knowing, not policing. Have you ever used a Bible verse mainly to correct your spouse? Tell the story honestly. What would it look to use that same verse instead to change yourself?
- The three threads. Of the three things Christ provides (price, pattern, power), which one do you most need to lay hold of for your marriage right now? Tell each other why.
For your mentor session
Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking.
- On mutual submission in practice The lesson defines mutual submission as "respecting that leads to serving," a quiet competition to put the other first. Tell the mentor about one concrete room of your shared life (the kitchen, the calendar, the checkbook, the bedroom) where this competition is currently running the wrong direction. Let the mentor press you toward one specific "you first" action each of you could take this week.
- On the Gouge principle The chapter's big claim is that we are told our spouse's duties so we can make them a joy, not so we can police them. Confess to the mentor one specific way each of you has been using Scripture as an improvement guide for your spouse. Then trace the same thread to Christ: how does knowing that he made your duty a joy free you to stop policing and start serving?
One practice for this week
Memorize Ephesians 5:21 together: "...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Then take on the study project: each day, learn one new thing about your spouse on purpose, a preference, a fear, a small joy, and act on it before the day ends. Mutual submission begins with mutual attention.
A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Your mentor can help you trace it further into Scripture and into your own story.