Gospel-Shaped Marriage Glossary

The shared language for this course. Lessons use these terms; the couple should be able to use them by the end. Reformed-evangelical frame, following the Van Dixhoorns.

The big story

Marriage

A God-given, lifelong, exclusive, publicly recognized union of one man and one woman, established at creation, ordered by Scripture, and meant to picture Christ and the church.

Avoid: "just a piece of paper," "a human contract."

The fourfold state

Augustine's framework, used in chapter 2 to locate any marriage in redemptive history: (1) garden / able not to sin, (2) fallen / not able not to sin, (3) grace / able not to sin (but imperfectly), (4) glory / not able to sin. Our marriages live in stage three, "on the way."

Avoid: "the four stages of marriage."

Pilgrim marriage

A stage-three marriage: redeemed but not yet glorified, marked by real sin and real hope, traveling toward the wedding supper of the Lamb.

Avoid: "good marriage vs. bad marriage."

Common grace

God's restraint of sin and his kindness to all people, believers and unbelievers alike, by which even marriages without the gospel can know real happiness.

Avoid: "natural goodness."

Ephesians 5 vocabulary

Mutual submission (Eph 5:21)

"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." The shared, baseline Christian posture that frames every household relationship: respect that leads to serving.

Avoid: "mutual deference," "going along to get along."

Submission (of a wife, Eph 5:22–24)

A wife's glad, loving orientation toward her husband's good and lead, as the church is oriented toward Christ. Not agreement, not silence, not obedience to sin. It is a disposition, not a single act.

Avoid: "obedience," "subjugation," "doormat."

Headship (Eph 5:23)

The husband's Christlike responsibility to lead, love, provide for, and protect his wife, exercised by giving himself up for her, never by standing on rights.

Avoid: "boss," "master," "final-say-as-default."

Love (of a husband, Eph 5:25–33)

A husband's Christ-patterned, self-giving love: deep, sacrificial, purposeful, and faithful. His core orientation, not one task among many.

Avoid: "affection," "feeling."

The great analogy

Marriage is the human relationship chosen to picture Christ and the church. The mystery of Eph 5:32 is that our small marriage is given the honor of illustrating the gospel itself.

Avoid: "marriage as object lesson."

The Gouge principle

Making the other's duty a joy

William Gouge's insight, recovered by the Van Dixhoorns. Scripture tells each spouse the other's duties so that we can make those duties pleasant, not so we can police them. "If she must respect him, he should be respectable; if he must love her, she should be lovable."

Avoid: "improvement guide for spouses."

Conflict and growth

Winning without words (1 Pet 3:1–2)

Peter's counsel that a wife win a disobedient husband chiefly by conduct, not nagging. Not silence about Christ, but a life that commends him.

Avoid: "the silent treatment."

The hidden person of the heart (1 Pet 3:4)

The imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, rooted in trust in Christ, which God prizes above external adornment.

Avoid: "personality makeover."

Honoring the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7)

A husband's call to understand, prize, and dignify his wife, treating her as a coheir of the grace of life. "If a man's home is his castle, his wife should be its queen."

Avoid: "paternalism," "protecting the weaker sex."

Leave and cleave (Gen 2:24)

A married person leaving father and mother to hold fast to a spouse and become one flesh. Both an act and an ongoing loyalty.

Avoid: "moving out."

Conjugal duties and mutual authority (1 Cor 7:3–5)

In marriage each spouse owes the other sexual intimacy, and each has a kind of authority over the other's body. Withholding is a shared decision, temporary, and for prayer. The principle of mutual submission applies in the bedroom too.

Avoid: "marital rights" used as a demand.

Hospitality vs. entertainment (1 Pet 4:9)

Hospitality opens a real home to meet a real need; entertainment performs a polished version of home for the hosts' pleasure. The first is a Christian duty for couples; the second is fine but is not the same thing.

Avoid: "having people over."

Repentance and grace

Confession that uses Scripture's labels

Saying specifically and biblically what was wrong ("I was selfish and impatient"), not the culture's soft labels ("Sorry, I was grouchy"). Named in chapter 5.

Avoid: "blanket apology."

Taking 100% of responsibility

The Christian practice, in any conflict, of owning one's full share of the fault before God and spouse, regardless of the other's share. Grounded in the gospel, not in fairness.

Avoid: "meeting halfway."