Gospel-Shaped Marriage › Lesson 6
Chapter 6 of 9Winning in Marriage
Grace under pressure, and how to win when the marriage is hard.
So far we have been considering how marriages get better. But we live in a world where things break, including marriages. What are we to do with marriages that get worse? Thankfully the Bible discusses not just ideal relationships but real ones. The apostle Peter deals directly with marital tensions, those caused by sin and those sparked by weakness. For that reason we need this chapter, because we need to know how to win when a marriage is hard.
What did Jesus do?
The clue for what to do comes at the end of 1 Peter 2, just before Peter turns to the home. He has been talking about the workplace, where bosses can be good and gentle but also unjust. What are Christians to do when treated unfairly? Peter does not ask, What would Jesus do? He asks, What did Jesus do?
He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
1 Peter 2:22–23 (ESV)
Jesus was our substitute, taking our place. But he was also showing us what it means to entrust ourselves to the one who judges justly. It may not look like a winning strategy, but the word of God says it is. We do not retaliate. God will either judge the unjust for their wrongs, or he will show them their sin and lead them to the cross, where sin has already been judged in the sin-bearer, Jesus.
Then Peter turns to marriage with a single word: likewise (1 Pet 3:1). He uses it because both at work and at home people can be unfair. And he uses it because we are to respond in the same way, for the same reasons, trusting the same Savior. Relationships are not supposed to slide downward. But when they do, the answer is not retaliation. It is entrusting ourselves to God.
The only winning strategy
When mistreated, the Christian does not retaliate but entrusts the injustice to the God who judges justly. That is the strategy at work, and likewise it is the strategy at home. This is the foundation of everything Peter says to wives and husbands in this chapter.
Women: winning without words
Peter first addresses the painful case of a wife whose husband is not obeying the word, whether he does not know Christ or is simply wandering. It was a counter-cultural thing to say. Polite pagan society taught that a woman should follow her husband no matter what, and that she was devious if she had a mind of her own. Peter, by contrast, calls a woman in a hard place to try to win her husband. For a Christian, it is a matter of real concern if a marriage has spiraled into cold war or pitched battles.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
1 Peter 3:1–2 (ESV)
Peter's counsel cuts across our instincts. When a romantic man turns out to be a hurtful husband, a wife is strongly tempted to hit back. She goes on strike, or works to rule; favors and privileges are withheld and the spouse is made to know why. Words become either frozen and few, or heated and many. It is easy to turn to lecturing amid legitimate disappointment. Peter calls wives in this situation to a different path: to gain their husbands by what they do instead of what they say.
Not silence about Christ
Winning without words is not a vow never to speak of sin or of Christ. A wife may and must share the gospel. Peter's point is about the chief instrument: in a strained marriage, the main lever is not the words a husband hears but the conduct he sees. Conduct is king, or queen. So the verse is not "the silent treatment." It is a life that commends Christ.
Peter quickly crosses out two other common tactics. When a marriage is hard, a wounded spouse is sometimes tempted to flirt, with someone at the gym, at work, or onscreen, either as revenge or in the hope of making the wandering spouse jealous. Peter answers with one word: purity. Faithfulness to Christ requires that we not fantasize about another person or a different marriage.
And he crosses out the urge to deal with inward pain by making ourselves more attractive on the outside. He mentions the usual three devices: hair, jewelry, and clothing. Today we have invented more. The problem is not that outward beauty is wrong; it is that we chronically dress the outside while neglecting the inside. The deepest beauty is not external.
Do not let your adorning be external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear; but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
1 Peter 3:3–4 (ESV)
A woman's character cannot be enhanced by cutting her hair, changing her earrings, or shortening her dress. It is enhanced and evidenced in her actions and words. God esteems this kind of beauty because it can exist only where there is a true and steady trust in Christ. He prizes it because it was purchased at the price of his own Son. Nice hair and good clothes may win a battle; they will never win the war. A husband who has drifted needs the one who wore the crown of thorns.
Peter points to Sarah as his example. Genesis 12 tells us she remained strikingly attractive into old age, but Abraham did not appreciate her as he should have; twice he gave her up to another man rather than risk danger to himself. He was a father in the faith but not much of a husband. Yet Sarah still chose to follow the maximal form of respect in her culture, even calling Abraham "lord." In spite of her famous beauty, the most beautiful feature the Lord saw in her was her character.
What about fear and intimidation?
Peter concludes by saying you are Sarah's children if you do what is right and do not live in fear and intimidation. Many women can testify how scary it is to watch a spouse step off the path of life. Will he come home with kind words or cutting ones? What will today be like? Here too we must live by faith rather than fear. If a husband has so deserted his wife and family that he abuses them, they need to seek refuge elsewhere. Abuse is Satan's plan, not God's; the church must never be a safe haven for abusers. If you are in a dangerous place, tell your mentor and your pastor now.
Husbands: honoring wives
Peter has said much to wives in conflict. Now he turns to husbands with the same word, "Likewise." There is a connection, but also a contrast. He is no longer talking about a wife's faults but about her weakness.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)
We live in a time that does not know what to do with weakness. Some bury it, hiding or denying their limitations. Others paper over reality, pretending women and men are the same in all their strengths. And some take advantage of weakness, intimidating, humiliating, neglecting, controlling, criticizing. Peter shuts every one of those escape routes. He calls husbands to honor their wives in their weakness. Let us take his instruction in three parts: what, how, and why.
What is the "weakness"?
Scholars offer more than one option. Peter's word for "the woman" may mean "the feminine one," who is weaker in some physical ways and may show a wider range of emotions. Or he may have in mind the wife's position, since she is not the higher authority in the home. None of this denies that women have many strengths where men have profound weaknesses. Women are called to great strength of character in the previous verses, and childbirth remains the gold standard for human toughness. The point is narrower: a wife has weaknesses unique to who she is, and a husband is to prize her for everything she is and not despise her for anything she is not.
How: live with understanding, show honor
First, understanding. A husband is to learn his wife's strengths and weaknesses, her likes and dislikes, her fears and insecurities. His privileged knowledge is not to be used against her but for her. Living with a wife is not like rooming with a man; the learning curve is steep, almost vertical, and devoid of plateaus. Chad, when lost, has had to ask Emily plainly: "Tell me what I should say, not so I can avoid thinking, but so I can learn to understand you." That exchange is a win in marriage.
Second, honor. A man honors his wife by respecting her, listening to her, maintaining her authority before others, protecting her, upholding her good name, supporting her financially, and placing proper trust in her. Peter uses the very word he used for honoring the emperor. If a man's home is his castle, his wife should be its queen. If anyone thinks verses 1-6 reduce a wife to a servant, verse 7 elevates her to a princess. Scripture does not privilege one party over the other.
Why: coheirs, and unhindered prayer
Peter gives two reasons. The first is mutuality: she is a coheir with you of the grace of life. In the world of Peter's day, women were heirs only if specific provision was made or no sons survived. Not so in the Lord's model. Christian sisters have the same position as Christian brothers. A husband does not honor his wife because she is so worthy in herself, but because God declared her worthy when he gave his Son for her. The same grace that declares her worthy declares him worthy, by grace and not by merit.
The second reason is sobering: so that your prayers may not be hindered. Heaven has a detainment center for the prayers of men who will not honor their wives. God is not a helpless father hoping you treat his daughter well; he is a ferocious defender of all his children, including the one you married. If your prayers feel cold and distant, Scripture's first diagnostic question is not about your quiet time. It is about your spouse.
At the end, Peter returns us to where he began: the suffering Savior who left us an example.
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
1 Peter 2:21 (ESV)
Let your spouse see Christ in your life, hear him in your encouragements, and find him in your prayers, and he or she may end up trusting in him. When it comes to marital sin or marital weakness, this is the only winning strategy.
Check your understanding
In 1 Peter 2-3, what is the Christian's response to unfair treatment, at work or at home?
Following Jesus' example, the Christian does not retaliate or threaten, but entrusts the injustice to the God who judges justly, who will either judge the wrong or lead the wrongdoer to the cross.
What does Peter mean by a wife winning her husband "without a word" (1 Pet 3:1)?
Winning without words is not silence about Christ. It means the main lever in a strained marriage is the life a husband sees, not the lectures he hears. Conduct is king, or queen.
According to 1 Peter 3:4, what is "the imperishable beauty" God prizes above outward adornment?
God prizes the hidden person of the heart, a gentle and quiet spirit, because it can exist only where there is true and steady trust in Christ. It was purchased at the price of his Son.
1 Peter 3:7 gives two reasons a husband must understand and honor his wife. Which pair is correct?
A wife is a coheir with her husband of the grace of life, and God may hinder the prayers of a man who will not honor her. Both reasons are gifts of grace, not merit.
For the two of you to work through
Take these one at a time, slowly. There are no right answers to write down; the value is in the conversation. This lesson speaks to hard places; go gently with each other.
- The "likewise" test. Peter says likewise: respond to unfairness at home the way Jesus did, by entrusting yourself to God. Where in your marriage right now is one of you most tempted to retaliate instead? Name it without naming all the faults of the other.
- Winning without words. For the wife: is there a place where you have been lecturing when Peter calls you to living? What would it look like this week to let your conduct, not your words, carry the weight? For the husband: what conduct in her has already been pulling you toward Christ?
- The imperishable beauty. Peter says the gentle and quiet spirit is precious to God. Where have you been spending more effort on the outside than on the inside? Speak honestly, both of you; this is not only a wife's question.
- Understanding and honor. For the husband: name one thing about your wife you still do not understand, and one way you have failed to honor her this month, in private or before others. Ask her what she thinks honoring her would look like.
- Hindered prayers. Peter warns that a husband's prayers can be hindered. Husband, is there a coldness or distance in your prayers that may trace back, not to your devotional habits, but to how you treat your wife? Bring it to the light together.
For your mentor session
Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking.
- On winning without words Peter's strategy for a strained marriage is conduct, not lectures, joined to an unwavering trust in the God who judges justly. Tell the mentor about one specific area where one of you has been trying to win with words and the other has stopped listening. What would it look like, this month, to lay down the lecture and pick up a life that commends Christ? Let the mentor press you toward something observable the other spouse could actually see.
- On honor and prayer Peter ties a husband's prayers directly to how he treats his wife. Ask the husband to tell the mentor honestly whether his prayers feel warm and heard, or cold and distant, and then to consider with the mentor whether the gap may trace to his wife rather than to his Bible. What one act of understanding and honor this week could reopen the line? Have the wife name what honor would actually look like to her.
One practice for this week
Memorize 1 Peter 3:7 together. Then take on the entrustment practice: once a day this week, when you are tempted to retaliate in word or tone, pause and pray silently, "Lord, I entrust this to you, who judges justly." Then respond the way 1 Peter 2:23 says Jesus did: not returning evil for evil. There is no plan B. There is only Peter's plan A.
A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Your mentor can help you trace it further into Scripture and into your own story. If your marriage is in an unsafe place, do not wait for the next meeting; tell your mentor today.