Appendix

How to Change Your Spouse in Three Easy Steps

The book's closing joke, and the serious point behind it.

Read together first Philippians 2:12–13. The appendix of the Van Dixhoorns' book is famously short. The whole lesson turns on the one line at its center. Before we get there, read Paul's own summary of how real change happens.

The Van Dixhoorns end their book with an appendix titled "How to Change Your Spouse in Three Easy Steps." It is a joke, and it is meant to make you laugh. But like the best jokes, it lands because it is carrying a serious point the whole book has been building toward.

Here is the entire text of the appendix. Read it slowly.

This appendix contains everything we know about changing your spouse. The Van Dixhoorns, Appendix to Gospel-Shaped Marriage

That is it. That is the whole appendix. Three easy steps? There are none. The book that promised grace for sinners to love like saints closes by confessing, with a wry smile, that it has nothing to tell you about changing your spouse.

The serious point behind the smile

The joke works because every chapter has already made the point another way. From Lesson 3 onward we have been carrying the Gouge principle: Scripture tells you your spouse's duty so you can make it a joy, not so you can police it. The appendix is the same truth in a single sentence. If you came to a marriage book looking for a technique to fix your spouse, the Van Dixhoorns have gently taken your money and given you nothing. That is the gift.

The one-line punchline, unpacked

You cannot change your spouse. You can only change yourself, by the grace of God, and in doing so you can make your spouse's duty toward you a joy rather than a burden. That is the whole technology. Everything else in the course has been an unfolding of it.

Where change actually comes from

If we cannot change our spouse, where does change come from? Paul's answer in Philippians is the only solid ground.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
Philippians 2:12–13 (ESV)

Notice the direction. You work out your own salvation. God is the one who works in you. There is exactly one person in this equation you are responsible to change, and it is the one reading this sentence. Your spouse is God's business. Your job is to cooperate with the God who is at work in you, and to make it as easy as possible for your spouse to do what God has asked of them.

This reframes the whole course. When Lesson 4 said "wives, submit," it was not a tool for husbands to wield. When Lesson 5 said "husbands, love," it was not ammunition for wives. When Lesson 6 said "win without words," it was not a strategy for nagging in a quieter key. Every command in this book landed on you, for you to obey, by the power of the Spirit who is at work in you.

The Gouge principle, one last time

So the appendix is not really empty. It is full of the one thing the book most wants you to take with you. If she must respect him, he should try to be respectable. If he must love her, she should try to be lovable. If either of you wants to see the other change, the path is not correction; it is your own repentance, your own growth in grace, your own eager making-room for the other's duty.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Matthew 7:3–5 (ESV)

Jesus' words about logs and specks apply to the marriage bed, the kitchen table, the family car, and every other room of a shared life. The log is in your own eye. Start there. You will be amazed how much of your spouse's speck you stop being able to see once the log is gone.

The whole course in one sentence

You cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself, by grace, and so make your spouse's duty a joy. Memorize that. When you are tempted to reach for a technique, a lecture, or a well-chosen Bible verse aimed at your spouse, reach for it instead.

Check your understanding

What does the appendix of the book actually contain?

A three-step technique for spousal correction.
A list of verses to quote at your spouse.
Nothing. It is empty of any method.

The appendix "contains everything we know about changing your spouse," and that is nothing at all. The joke is the point: there is no technique, because you cannot change your spouse.

According to Philippians 2:12-13, whose change are you responsible for?

Your own, as God works in you.
Your spouse's, as you work on them.
Both equally, as you work together.

You work out your own salvation, and it is God who works in you. The only person in the marriage you are responsible to change is yourself, by the grace of God.

How does the appendix connect to the Gouge principle from Lesson 3?

It contradicts it by offering a new method.
It is the same truth: study the other's duty to make it a joy.
It replaces it with a simpler approach.

The appendix is the Gouge principle compressed to a smile. You cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself, by grace, and so make the other's duty pleasant rather than policed.

For the two of you to work through

Take these one at a time. The lesson is short; the work is lifelong.

The honest confession. Where have you been quietly treating this course (or any marriage book, or a sermon, or a friend's advice) as a manual for changing your spouse? Name it. Laugh at yourself a little, then repent.
The log and the speck. Think of your most frequent complaint about your spouse. Now ask: what is the log in my eye in that very area? Sit with the question until you have a real answer.
The one sentence. Read the course summary sentence aloud together: "You cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself, by grace, and so make your spouse's duty a joy." Each of you finish this sentence: "So this week, the change I am asking God to work in me is..."

For your mentor session

Two questions to bring to your mentor, as you close the course.

On the one technology The appendix's joke is that there is no technique for changing your spouse, only the Gouge principle worked out from your own side. Tell the mentor the one specific way you have most been trying to change your spouse during this course, and what it would look like, this month, to lay that down and take up the log in your own eye instead. Pray together that God, who works in you both to will and to work, would do what no spouse ever could.
On making the duty a joy The appendix turns the Gouge principle back on you: the only spouse you can change is yourself. Name one duty God has laid on your spouse somewhere in this course (to respect, to love, to honor, to be hospitable), and tell the mentor one concrete thing you will do this week to make that duty a joy for them rather than a weight. Remember this is how Christ has loved his church: not by standing on his rights to demand change, but by giving himself up for her.

One practice for the rest of the marriage

There is no weekly practice here, because this lesson never ends. Memorize the one sentence: "You cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself, by grace, and so make your spouse's duty a joy." Every time you are tempted to reach for a method, a lecture, or a verse aimed at your spouse, say it to yourself instead. Then ask the God who works in you to do in you what you cannot do in them. That is the whole course. That is the whole Christian life.

The end of the course. You have walked through all nine chapters and this short appendix. Bring your mentor a single sentence: what is the one thing you are taking with you? And then, by God's grace, go and live it. We will see you at the wedding supper of the Lamb.