Gospel-Shaped Marriage › Lesson 8
Chapter 8 of 9Bedtime in Marriage
Intimacy as bond, gift, and mutual service.
If a marriage was a house, intimate relations would be the closet: the place you do not show others, and which can be neglected until it becomes a mess. That is always a problem, because physical intimacy, often leading to sexual intimacy, has been part of the marriage package from the beginning. Our first parents were meant to see one another's nakedness (Gen 2:25), to become one flesh (Gen 2:24), and to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28). Even the fall has not changed this design.
But like every aspect of life in a subnormal world, sin makes marital intimacy more difficult. God told Adam that his work would happen amid weeds and rocks. Time has shown that evenings for married couples can become thorny places too. Some marriages begin with sad sexual histories of abuse, rebellion, or disease; intimacy can be complicated by remarriage after death or divorce. The Van Dixhoorns will not dodge those realities, but the purpose of this lesson is positive: to reflect on God's words about God's good gift of sexual intimacy.
What is intimacy for?
Early in the course we asked what marriage is for. Now we ask what sexual intimacy is for. The Van Dixhoorns gather the answer into four purposes. Marital intimacy is a bond; it is the usual path to babies; it is for our bodies' delight; and, as Paul sees it, it is a way we serve our spouse.
A bond in marriage
It is quite possible to be happy and fulfilled without sexual intercourse; many single people testify to that. At the same time, from the beginning the two were made to become one. Human oneness is expressed in many ways, by shared agreement, shared purpose, shared worship. But the bond of marriage is its own kind of intimacy. Paul makes the case directly.
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:2–5 (ESV)
Paul assumes that sexual activity is for married persons only, and he says at the start and end of this paragraph that sexual activity in marriage is designed in part to keep the marriage union together, to avoid the temptation of giving ourselves to someone else (1 Cor 7:2, 5). His teaching presumes that not only our hearts but also our bodies belong to the other. The wife has a right to her husband's sexual attentions, and he to hers (7:3). He even says that to refuse intercourse is to deprive a spouse (7:5).
Two radical ideas from 1 Corinthians 7
Contrary to almost all cultural norms, Christians insist both that men and women have conjugal rights and that a spouse does not have authority over his or her own body, while the partner does. This is mutual authority, and it teaches us a whole theology of the bedroom. Positively, married couples should regularly come together; intercourse is the norm, not the exception. Negatively, any suspension of "together time" must be discussed together, must be temporary, and must be for important reasons.
So if sex is to be put on ice, it needs a unanimous vote. Couples should also talk through other reasons for seasons of abstinence, such as recovery from birth or travel for work. Chad has found he has to limit the frequency and duration of his trips from home in order to avoid temptation; as much as possible, they decide together how often and how long he is gone. And where there is no interest in sexual relations on the part of one or both partners, this is an urgent problem to address together through pastoral care, counseling, or very wise friends.
Babies in marriage
Sexual intimacy is also the usual course for filling the earth, and married Christian couples must play their part (Gen 1:28). Through Christian marriage God is seeking "godly offspring" (Mal 2:15). Two qualifiers, though, belong here. First, some marriages face extraordinary health problems that make procreation challenging or dangerous, and in such cases (and others) adoption is a wonderful gift to parents and children alike. Second, because sexual intimacy has more than one purpose, the Van Dixhoorns judge that nonabortive forms of birth control can be a plausible stewarding of limited bandwidth and parenting resources, provided a couple is open to the Lord giving them children at some plausible point in the marriage. This is a slippery path: there are people who want a small family simply because they do not wish to be inconvenienced. We must study our hearts in this matter.
Bodies in marriage
A third purpose is to foster marital intimacy through physical pleasure. God designed us as embodied creatures and designed sex to help us love one another with all that we are. Our reproductive organs are clearly designed to multitask, and parts of our bodies designed for nonreproductive reasons are celebrated in Scripture for their sexual attractiveness. With tasteful metaphor, the Song of Solomon unmistakably celebrates the deliciousness of lovers' bodies, not merely their utility for making babies.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.
Proverbs 5:18–19 (ESV)
The marriage bed is to be kept pure (Heb 13:4). But purity within marriage allows for our whole bodies to be used for sexual intimacy. A woman's breasts give milk, yet this part of the body, involved in nurture but not in procreation, is commended in the Song and in Proverbs for sexual attention, as are lips, the neck, and more. God designed sex for delight.
Submitting to one another in the bedroom
The overall point of 1 Corinthians 7 is the most important thing to understand. In the ideas of conjugal rights and mutual authority, we hear an echo of the same dynamic revealed in Ephesians 5. Unless you skipped straight to this lesson, you remember: in submitting to one another, a spouse does not study the other's duty in order to direct them, but to graciously help make their duty as pleasant as possible. This applies to the bedroom too.
If a wife is to give herself to her husband sexually, he should try to make that as pleasant as he can for her. She will find it hard to love him in bed if he has been unkind in the kitchen. Most problems in the bedroom do not start in the bedroom and are not fixed there. So to make her duty easier, he should be helpful and gentle all day long. He should care for his health, not to be forever young, but fit for his age, and make himself attractive to his wife. He should study her, heed her communications, spoken and unspoken, and generally take his time: slow rather than the often selfish as soon as possible.
This runs the other way too. If he is to give himself to her, she should make that as pleasant as possible for him. Many men are visually stimulated, and attractive clothing goes a long way; some kinds of evening wear are cozy but serve as armor against amour. More than that, she should not merely acquiesce to sex; she should ask for it. Consent is important, but mere consent is uninspiring. Regular requests for sex are one of the most powerful ways to improve marital intimacy.
Take your Bible into the bedroom
This does not mean quoting Bible verses (outside the Song of Solomon) is a good idea for increasing intimacy. It means letting the theology of Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 7 shape the bedroom. Study your spouse to please your spouse. Indicate what pleases you, kindly. Be patient with each other's bodies as they slow down. Don't just think it; ask it. Authority over a spouse's body is limited to marriage, but not to the bedroom. Let your imagination be your friend. And never demand what your spouse finds demeaning, dangerous, exhausting, or painful; that would be domination, not submission.
Hope in the midst of struggles
Sometimes everything goes right. When it does, do not forget the one who gave you to each other. Do you like your spouse's body? Thank God for a sense of beauty. Did you enjoy your spouse? Thank God for bodies. Sometimes sex is a simple snack and at other times a gourmet meal. That is fine.
But sometimes we fail in the bedroom. We say what we should not; we privilege ourselves over the other; we deprive the other to make a point, or out of indifference. Here especially we must think theologically. Were you interrupted? God is sovereign over the events that led to your frustration. Do you not understand your spouse? God can give you wisdom. Did she just want to sleep after an eighteen-hour day? God is generous toward us in our weakness; let us pass that on. Did he speak sharply? Work it out, but then do not hold out. God is a God of forgiveness. What could the marriage bed look like if you kept no record of wrongs (1 Cor 13:5)?
In spite of our best efforts, old struggles sometimes follow us into marriage. Titus 3:3 reminds us we used to be slaves to various passions and pleasures. Sometimes we still struggle with old masters, or old memories, and that struggle can reach us in bed. As best we can, we must focus on the one God has given us and not let the accuser remind us of what came before. We can help one another. Unfulfilled spouses are most likely to indulge in fantasy, self-pleasuring, and pornography, all of which express unfaithfulness. The best defense is a good offense: pursue sexual relations actively, not passively.
When intimacy is broken or absent
Sometimes we encounter a complete lack or breakdown of marital intimacy: sickness, abuse, divorce, death, or a dream of marriage that never materialized. If you have been in that place of sexual disappointment or despair, and perhaps no one knows but God, remember two things. First, Jesus came to fulfill all righteousness and was tempted in every way we are, yet without sin; if he is your Savior, his sexual purity is credited to your account. Second, whatever the marriage supper of the Lamb means, it promises a union that is not sexual but is nonetheless true. There will be no regrets in heaven, no "if onlys" when we meet our Savior face to face.
Our hope is that sexual intimacy will not be the neglected closet of your marriage. The God of the day is also the God of your evenings, and his word is sufficient for this part of your marriage too. May he use your intimate relations as a way of expressing and deepening your union with each other, granting godly children, and bringing you a pleasure that pleases the Father who made you and cares for you.
Check your understanding
According to the chapter, how many purposes does sexual intimacy serve in marriage?
Intimacy is a bond that holds the marriage together, the usual path to children, a delight for the body, and, as Paul stresses, a way to serve the spouse. All four purposes are biblical.
What does 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 teach about authority over a spouse's body?
Paul's "mutual authority" is radical in any culture: the wife does not have authority over her own body, the husband does; and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, the wife does.
What condition does Paul place on any temporary abstaining from sexual intimacy (1 Cor 7:5)?
Paul permits abstinence only by mutual agreement, only for a limited time, and only for the purpose of prayer. Then the couple is to come together again, so Satan may not tempt them.
How does the chapter apply the Gouge principle to the marriage bed?
Mutual submission reaches the bedroom. A husband makes himself attractive and gentle and takes his time; a wife asks, not merely acquiesces. Most bedroom problems do not start in the bedroom.
For the two of you to work through
Take these one at a time, slowly and gently. This is the most private part of your marriage. Speak the truth in love, and let no word leave this room.
- The four purposes. Of bond, babies, bodily pleasure, and service, which two have most shaped how you have thought about intimacy so far? Which two have you given least attention to? What would rebalance look like?
- Mutual authority. Paul's idea that each of you has authority over the other's body is radical. Where have you been treating your body as your own, when Paul says it belongs to your spouse? Where have you been treating your spouse's body as yours to demand, when Paul calls you to serve?
- Outside the bedroom. The chapter insists that most bedroom problems do not start in the bedroom. Husband, what unkindness or inattention during the day is making her duty harder at night? Wife, what reluctance to ask or to enter in is making his duty harder?
- Old struggles. Are there old masters, old memories, or present patterns (including pornography) that follow you into the marriage bed? Bring the most important one into the light together. If it is serious, this is also something to bring to your mentor or pastor; it does not have to be carried alone.
- Gratitude. Name one gift in your intimate life, however small, that you want to thank God for together. Then name one thing you would like to grow in, and decide on one kind conversation to have about it this week.
For your mentor session
Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking. The details of intimacy belong to the couple alone; bring principles and patterns, not private particulars.
- On mutual authority The chapter's main claim from 1 Corinthians 7 is mutual authority: each spouse's body belongs to the other, and intimacy is therefore a context for mutual submission and service. Tell the mentor, in principle, whether your pattern in this area leans more toward taking (demanding what is owed) or toward withholding (declining to give). What one shared decision could you make this month to move toward mutual service? Keep the specifics between the two of you; talk to the mentor about the pattern.
- On bringing the day to bed The lesson argues that most intimacy problems do not begin in the bedroom but in the kitchen, the calendar, and the tone of the day. Tell the mentor about one habit of your shared day (a sharp tone, an absent husband, a critical word, an exhausted wife) that you can see quietly reaching into your nights. What change in the day would bless the night? Let the mentor press you to name something concrete.
One practice for this week
Memorize 1 Corinthians 7:3 together. Then take on the kindness-before-bed practice: each evening this week, before you turn in, each of you names one way the other served or blessed you that day, however small. Intimacy is built on gratitude long before it is built on technique. What is shared in the evening begins in the morning.
A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Where there is brokenness in this area, your mentor and your pastor can walk with you toward help and hope; you do not have to carry it alone.