Chapter 1 of 9

The Bible and Marriage

What marriage is, who it is for, and what it is for.

Read together first Genesis 1:26–31 and 2:15–25. These two passages are the foundation for everything this lesson (and this whole course) will say. Read them aloud together before going on. The lesson will quote the key verses as it goes.

Benjamin Franklin used to say that people should have their eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward. The Van Dixhoorns, in the opening chapter of Gospel-Shaped Marriage, take the "eyes wide open" half seriously. Before we ask what makes a marriage good, we have to ask what a marriage is. The answer is older and more definite than any of our opinions: marriage is something God designed, defined, and gave us.

So this first lesson does not start with feelings or with culture, helpful as both can be. It starts where the book starts, where Jesus himself started, and where every Christian marriage must start if it is going to last: with the Bible's own account of marriage in the opening pages of Genesis.

One man and one woman

The very first thing the Bible wants us to see about marriage is also the most obvious: marriage is the pairing of a man and a woman. Genesis 1 introduces humanity as "male and female" (Gen 1:27), made in God's image, equal in dignity, and yet wonderfully different, made to complement one another. The pinnacle of creation is not one person alone, but two who go together.

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27 (ESV)

When God gives what we might call "the marriage talk" in Genesis 2, he stresses not only the right kind of partner but the right number. A parental pair is to be a father and a mother. A marriage is to be a husband and a wife. One plus one. For life.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 (ESV)

Jesus himself reaches for this exact verse when he is questioned about divorce, and he adds his own warning: "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Mark 10:9). So marriage is normally lifelong. The Bible is honest that this pattern has been broken in every generation, and that in some cases, such as the death of a spouse, remarriage is God's kind provision. But the creational design stands: one man, one woman, one lifetime.

The definition to memorize

Marriage is a God-given, lifelong, exclusive, publicly recognized union of one man and one woman. Hold onto each word. Drop any one of them and the thing starts to bend out of shape. This is the definition the rest of the course will assume.

Special, but not a sacrament

Here is a distinction that surprises some couples. Marriage is special, but it is not sacred in the sense of being only for Christians. Any single man and single woman can marry. Marriage is a civil ordinance, a gift God gives to the whole human race, not a Christian sacrament reserved for the baptized. The book of Hebrews does not say "let marriage be held in honor among believers" but "among all" (Heb 13:4).

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.
Hebrews 13:4 (ESV)

This has a practical edge for how we talk about marriage with neighbors and coworkers. Christians should be advocates for what the Van Dixhoorns call marriage maximalism, not marriage minimalism. We want people, Christians or not, to choose the most visible, most committed form of marriage a culture offers. Cohabitation, by contrast, rests on an unwritten contract: both sides keep getting what they came for, or it ends. It is built around getting. Marriage is built around giving.

Two further points belong here. First, Christians are entirely free to marry across lines of race, ethnicity, and nationality; the old Old-Testament restriction to marrying within the people of God has been fulfilled and set aside in Christ. Second, marriage must be consensual and between adults. There are hints of consent running through Scripture, from Rebekah's brave "I will go" (Gen 24:58) to Paul's pastoral guidance in 1 Corinthians 7, and the logic of marriage as a one-flesh companionship requires the maturity to choose it.

Two believers

Marriage is for everyone, and yet Christians who wish to marry have a particular responsibility: to marry another Christian. This is not a piece of tribal pride. It is obedience. The Old Testament builds toward it, the New Testament states it plainly, and the whole history of Israel warns us what happens when we ignore it.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39 (ESV)

The Van Dixhoorns are blunt about the temptation to think otherwise. We imagine we are strong enough to win an unbelieving partner over, or at least that we will not be dragged the other way. "The whole history of the nation of Israel says that the opposite is true." Using romance as outreach is not a strategy for faithfulness; it is already a sign that we have put a relationship in this world ahead of the one relationship that lasts into the next.

Married to an unbeliever already?

The book is careful here, and so should we be. People become Christians while already married. Paul's counsel in 1 Corinthians 7 is that, if the unbelieving spouse is willing to stay, the believer should not leave. God's grace is at work in uneven marriages, and this course is not only for couples who got it perfectly right from the start. If that is your situation, bring it openly to your mentor and your pastor. This lesson's "marry a believer" command is for those still choosing whom to marry.

How does a Christian assure themselves that a prospective spouse truly belongs to the Lord? The Van Dixhoorns give a short, probing checklist:

Does this person clearly confess Christ?
Do they make use of God's gifts for growth: Bible reading, faithful preaching, the sacraments, Christian fellowship?
Do they pray?
Do you find yourselves growing closer to the Lord through this friendship?

Not a perfect record, but a living faith. We cannot guarantee anyone will finish well, but we can ask good questions before we promise a lifetime.

What is marriage for?

We have looked at who may marry. Now the bigger question: why? Genesis answers before any philosopher does, and the Van Dixhoorns gather the answer into a short list. Marriage is given by God for at least these purposes.

Five purposes of marriage

Mutual support and companionship. Adam was not made to rule the world alone. God paraded every creature past him to make one thing obvious: for true companionship, he needed a wife (Gen 2:18–20). For millennia this friendship side of marriage was neglected; the Bible puts it first.
The gift of children. "Be fruitful and multiply" (Gen 1:28). Children are not a hobby; they are one of marriage's reasons. Some couples are denied the gift of biological children, and there needs to be a very serious reason to refuse it. Adoption is a beautiful provision where it is needed.
Sexual purity. Marriage is the only context God gives for sexual intimacy. Many will find lifelong singleness difficult, and for them, Paul says, "let them marry" (1 Cor 7:9). Marriage is a guard, not a compromise.
Church growth and nurture. Christian marriage is the ordinary greenhouse in which the next generation of believers is watered. It is also a context in which the couple themselves grow.
A picture of Christ and the church. This is the deepest purpose of all, and the one the whole of Ephesians 5 is written to unfold. Your little marriage is allowed to illustrate the gospel. We will spend the middle of this course learning how.

Notice the direction of travel. Every one of these purposes turns a person outward, toward giving. Our culture tells us that marriage, sex, and even living together are about getting. Genesis, Jesus, and Paul tell us they are about giving. That single reversal is the soil out of which a gospel-shaped marriage grows.

One more pastoral note from this chapter, easily missed. Because marriage is for companionship and attraction is part of becoming one flesh, it is entirely right to marry someone you find attractive, in every way. Looks matter only to the looker. But a real and living faith matters most of all. "Sex and number matter. Race and nationality should not. Friendship counts. Age matters. But most of all, a real and living faith must matter to every Christian who wishes by God's grace to be faithful."

Check your understanding

According to Genesis 1 and 2, what is the basic shape of marriage that God establishes?

A private commitment that two people negotiate between themselves.
A sacred ritual available only to baptized believers.
A lifelong, exclusive bond of one man and one woman.

Marriage is God-given, lifelong, exclusive, and the union of one man and one woman. That is the creational pattern Jesus himself reaffirms.

When the Van Dixhoorns say Christians should practice "marriage maximalism," they mean:

Only ordained ministers may perform Christian weddings.
Encourage everyone toward the most visible, committed form of marriage.
Couples should aim for the largest wedding they can afford.

Marriage maximalism means advocating for marriage as God designed it, for Christians and non-Christians alike, rather than settling for cohabitation or minimal commitments.

1 Corinthians 7:39 teaches that a Christian is free to marry whom they wish, provided the marriage is:

"Only in the Lord," that is, to another believer.
Arranged by the couple's parents in advance.
Confirmed by a sign or private inner impression.

"Only in the Lord" is not a preference but a command. Marrying a believer is a matter of obedience, not merely of wisdom.

Which of these is the best summary of what marriage is for, according to this chapter?

Mostly personal fulfillment and romantic happiness.
Companionship, children, purity, nurture, and picturing Christ and the church.
Financial stability and the orderly distribution of property.

Every one of the Bible's purposes for marriage turns us outward toward giving rather than getting, with the deepest purpose being to picture Christ and the church.

For the two of you to work through

Take these one at a time, slowly. There are no right answers to write down; the value is in the conversation.

Test the definition. Read the definition out loud together: "Marriage is a God-given, lifelong, exclusive, publicly recognized union of one man and one woman." Which of those words is easiest for the two of you to embrace? Which one stretches you, or has been stretched by you, in your own families or past relationships?
Getting versus giving. Name one way your current habits as a couple are shaped by "what am I getting out of this?" and one way they are shaped by "what can I give?" Be specific and honest, not flattering.
The five purposes. Of the five purposes of marriage (companionship, children, purity, nurture, picturing Christ and the church), which one has the two of you thought about least? What would it look like to take it more seriously in the next month?
For those still choosing. If you are not yet married, or have unmarried friends you counsel: walk through the four "living-faith" questions together. How would you answer them about your own faith today?
The deepest purpose. Your marriage is allowed to picture Christ and the church. In one sentence each, finish this thought for your spouse: "I would love our marriage to show people that Christ and his church are..."

For your mentor session

Two questions to bring to your meeting with the mentor, for the three of you to work through together. The mentor leads; the couple does the talking.

On foundations The chapter builds a working definition of marriage: God-given, lifelong, exclusive, publicly recognized, one man and one woman. Walk the mentor through which word of that definition has been the hardest-won for each of you so far, in your own story or your family of origin, and why. What does your hesitation (or your confidence) reveal about the gospel you are trusting for this marriage?
On direction of travel The lesson's central claim is that marriage is shaped by giving rather than getting. Tell the mentor about one specific area of your current relationship (time, money, sex, in-laws, communication) where you can already see a "getting" reflex at work. What would it look this week, concretely, for the two of you to start turning that reflex into a giving one? Let the mentor press you toward something doable, not vague.

One practice for this week

Memorize Genesis 2:24 together: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Say it to each other once a day. It is the verse Jesus quoted, the verse Paul quoted, and the verse the whole of this course rests on.

A question for your mentor. Bring one thing from this lesson that surprised, troubled, or encouraged you to your next meeting. Your mentor can help you trace it further into Scripture and into your own story.